A letter to my dad..

Hi dad,

I don’t think I have ever written a letter to you, either digital or hand writing. I have written several letters to my mom, and you probably don’t know about it or what they were about.

I have been doing a little painting lately, don’t know if you care.

Many things I wanna say to you since we never have really spoken in deep or you never really have called since I was 6. Oh I forgot, right, you never seen me growing. Maybe in your memory I was still the 6 yrs old.

I don’t know where to begin. I haven’t talked to you for years and I don’t know whether I will see you again whatsoever, don’t know how you are doing now. The only thing I know is you are still alive.

I ask myself if I really care, the answer is no.

Writing a letter to you becomes pointless, but when I saw what is in my painting, I really wanted to tell you something. painting

Since you were gone I’ve been in many storms by myself, getting used to whatever weather that is in front of me, and most of the time the weather is unpredictable and nasty.

Storms have destroyed me so many times but you probably will never know.

These years I learned how not to depend on anyone because they might be just like you disappear one day without trace. I learned how to defeat my own fear when I’m by myself.

You will never know the first time when I learned no one I could rely on. I don’t know if you care I was in a dark corner where no body heard my crying, but if you don’t know it will be fine to me because I got used to it.

I really wanna say to you I totally understand why you and my mom split. I totally understand why you were always silent while you were with her when she couldn’t stop talking. When she keeps talking around me I want to disappear as well, but you won’t have the chance since you might never see her again.

But I don’t know why whenever I see my mom gets hurt I would think of you. I know you might not care. I know she will be fine the next day, she is as strong as me. Don’t worry.

I’m so silly,  you are never worry.  I’m wrong.

Sorry about calling the day when I left our hometown, it was my cousin’s idea because I knew you wouldn’t care. You showed up being annoyed and from that moment I remind myself at every situation don’t annoy people no matter once they were close to you.

I don’t know whether you have ever taken a bus with me. I think it’s none. When I was a child, wanting to take a bus with you where we will have real conversation was my dream, but you were never there. That’s fine I got used to it.

I used to superimposed someone like your age as my dad when I was a kid. I always think you were lost and I found you in someone else’s body.

I got used to lots of thing because I was just like you, being silent and take everything in and no explanation on whatsoever things happen.

I don’t know if you remember I was once an active child that wanted to be in the center like any girl does and noisy, don’t know when I became just wanting to be invisible, and you probably never known why I changed.

I know many things we can’t control in our life, so I have trained myself getting used to every situation that I didn’t get used to at the first place.

You probably never know your daughter’s interests. I like doing art, I like writing, I like to make my own films. You probably don’t care. Last time I saw you you were silent as usual. You seemed excited seeing me but it didn’t help because distance is like a desert between us, there is no word in between for years and we are both comfortable with that.

The most memorable thing is you were watching and waiting for me from far while i was still in middle school, along with my half brother.

I have grown, don’t know if you remember how old I am now, but it doesn’t matter. Things have turned into the way we didn’t want to but inevitably have to get used to.

I have trained myself to smile before leaving a place, before continuing my own journey. Where I head to is always a new and strange place, with storms, all by myself, and you will never know.

Bye dad, for a name I haven’t called for long time, along with the letter you will never receive.

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